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 Sibyl J. Minighini, MA, MFTI #60451

Can Parents Help Escape Artists and Attention-Grabbers?

As a parent raising children with special needs, you may experience certain frustrations surrounding behavior and communication difficulties. It is important to remember not to lose hope because there are ways to handle challenging situations once proper perspective is gained on the behaviors. Most children with special needs look to either escape or get attention. The majority of their behaviors can be analyzed through these two basic needs (Colarussa et al. 2004). Has this ever happened to you? You just finished telling her not to open the door to the big cabinet. You turned your back a second to finish up the last kitchen chore. Now she’s at it again. Probably for the hundredth time.  And she even found a new way to pry the cabinet open. Why, for the love of reason, is she doing this? The child is looking for your attention.

Attention and escape. Two seemingly simple concepts, yet derived from behaviors that seem so convoluted and difficult to understand. In this case, your child at the cabinet is clamoring for your undiluted attention. If you take a few seconds out of your day to observe children and parents besides yourself, in particular children without special needs, you will see the same dynamic at play. The difference is that children without special needs will frequently accept a parent’s lack of attention or use more passive-aggressive tactics to get the attention they crave (Bruns 1990).

What about escape? All children have ways of escaping tasks or events that they dislike. Children without special needs will often verbalize their desire to escape. Children with special needs are not always able to communicate in words, so they must find other ways to avoid the unpleasant chore before them (Woolfolk 2008).

A good example of the young escape artist is the child who continues to play with their toys even after being told to stop playing and get started on their work. The child usually stops playing when asked, and you are communicating with them in a way they understand. But today, they have to go to the mall. Once that toy is put away, your child will have to comply with your request and face the great void known as the shopping center. Instead of saying “no, I’m not going to the mall with you!” this child will escape by continuing to play with the toy that represents the ability to avoid shopping and being with a mass of scary people.

By this point, you have probably decided which category your child falls into at any given moment of the day. Also, most children will show a combination of attention-grabbing and escaping, depending on whether they are presented with a preferred or a non-preferred activity (Gerrig & Zimbardo 2007).

So how does psychotherapy work on these frustrating behaviors? The first thing most psychotherapists will do is focus on social skills and communication techniques (Rogers 2003). The socialized child has many more tools at his disposal to work through frustrations and negotiate behaviors. Do not be surprised if your psychotherapist recommends group therapy for your child; working with children in groups is a research-validated technique to help children learn group coping skills (Yalom 2005). Communication techniques are worth their weight in gold because these are tools your child can use to tell you and others what they need or what they are feeling. These techniques empower the child, and everyone who works with her as a result, including parents (Jones 2003).

All people learn through interacting with others, and children are masters of observation in their own particular ways (Mahler 2000). Focusing on social and communication skills lessen the barrier between your child and the external world. While it may not be evident to you, your child wants to participate in the world more than anything else.  By providing them with skills to evaluate and understand the world, they have a much better chance of succeeding (Bruns 1990).

References:

Bruns, J.
(1990). The defiant ones: A manual for raising kids. Calgre Press, Antioch, CA.

Colarussa, R., & O’Rourke, C.
(2004). Special education for all teachers. Kendall/Hunt Publishing Company, Dubuque, IA.

Gerrig, R. & Zimbardo, P.
(2007). Psychology and life. Pearson/Allyn & Bacon Publishers, Boston, MA.

Jones, D.
(2003). Communicating with vulnerable children: A guide for practitioners. Gaskell Publishers, London, England.

Mahler, M.
(1975, 2000). The psychological birth of the human infant: Symbiosis and individuation. Basic Books, New York, NY.

Rogers, C.
(2003). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, applications, and theory. Constable Publishers, New York, NY.

Woolfolk, A.
(2008). Educational psychology. Allyn & Bacon, Boston, MA.

Yalom, I.
(2005). The theory and practice of group psychotherapy. Basic Books, New York, NY.

Sibyl Minighini is an MFT Intern working with children, teens, and adults.

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